Rational Harrison Bergeron
by morbidhawk
Summary: What if Harrison Bergeron wasn't a power hungry idiot and what if rules of physics weren't ignored? Meet a rational Harrison Bergeron who really does behave like a genius.


Rational Harrison Bergeron

What if Harrison Bergeron wasn't a power hungry idiot and what if rules of physics weren't ignored? Meet a rational Harrison Bergeron who really does behave like a genius.

"Harrison Bergeron" is copyrighted by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., 1961. (All rights of the Harrison Bergeron story belong to Kurt Vonnegut).

Previously on Harrison Bergeron:

George and Hazel Bergeron are at home watching ballerinas on television when an announcement is given that Harrison Bergeron has escaped from prison. Harrison suddenly shows up on the stage and everyone is scared cowering before him.

Continuation:

"Not to worry everyone", Bergeron responded calmly. "I have no intention to hurt anyone. I just wanted to inform you why handicapping natural-born talent does not magically make us all equal. It's common sense, really. A life enduring the constantly terrorizing of the eardrum of an intellectual is far worse than those who are not classified as intellectuals that don't have to wear the handicap at all. And furthermore this distinction in and of itself gives a noticeable visual appearance of difference especially to those who have to wear weights for being stronger than others. Could you give a bigger clue about how dumb or weak society thinks you are? I mean come on, by the number of weights I'm wearing I look a giant creature even Freddy Kruegar would be scared of."

Suddenly the Handicapper General ran into the room. She ironically wasn't wearing any handicaps herself. "So I guess you think you are some kind of emperor now?" she asked tauntingly.

"Heavens no, but considering that the President of the United States cannot perform elementary arithmetic and the majority of the supreme court has taken forever to make a common sense decision on basic human rights I think its best if I act as Acting Executive of all 3 branches for now."

"You think you're smart but you really aren't. People are finally happy now that they know they are equal to others" the Handicapper General said.

"Greek philosophers figured happiness out a long time ago. The thing is, you are most happy when you don't desire things that you think will make you happy. Your desire to prevent any chance for hurt feelings that may or may not happen based on perceived inequality is pathetic. While I do believe in human rights I also believe in celebrating our differences."

"ENOUGH!" shouted the general. She raised the gun. And pointed it at Bergeron. "You are not to be reasoned with."

Harrison placed a sturdy face mask over his head and was now completely protected with his handicap covering his entire body. He wasn't stupid enough to take off the handicap now. He walked straight toward the Handicapper General. She fired twice and it didn't even phase the giant beast that now overshadowed her. It was a quick snap at the neck and she was dead. Harrison grabbed her gun and looked around for other officers. He was shocked. _Really? There were none? What kind of idiots would setup a system that only required killing one person to overthrow the government?_

A beautiful ballerina removed her weights and mask and started dancing gracefully. She began to float into the air. Harrison looked at her above him. He realized she was suspended by a rope.

"Attention everyone! It is really important that you do not try this at home! This ballerina is properly suspended by the use of a rope. Simply removing your weights will not allow you to fly" Harrison explained.

The ballerina was gracefully lowered to the floor. She gave Harrison a flirtatious smile. Then the audience started shouting "Kiss her, kiss her, kiss her!" The musicians started playing a romantic melody.

"No way!" Harrison responded. "I'm not going to kiss some random ballerina I've just met based solely on the way she looks and dances. I refuse to objectify a woman in this way."

"Boo" the audience cried back in unison.

"Oh yeah, and one more thing. Please remove all your handicaps. You deserve to be free." Harrison shouted excitedly.

 _That's a strange thing of Harrison to say on live television_ , thought George whose thoughts were immediately interrupted by the combined sounds of nails scratching a blackboard and an irate child who is refusing to take a nap. George turned off the television set and went back to the kitchen for another beer.


End file.
